K I N D L I N G

What does the time between the stirring to do something God’s told you to do (big or small) and when you say yes to it reveal about our relationship with God? Now, let’s make sure we are on the same page with this before I go forward. This is a heavy topic. And it would be easy to feel like I’m here to teach you how to be a better Christian-- not the case. Hence, the context from last week’s episode. I have made many mistakes, and will continue to. I’m human. I lived for many years, about 22, not seeking to grow my relationship with God. So the ideas that I present in this series are things that I’ve learned and been corrected on, and trying to make into patterns of my behavior that will eventually be a natural reaction. Recently, I knew I was slowly becoming aware of the convictions and boundaries God was wanting me to draw with a guy I had been dating. It probably took me 4-6 weeks to say yes to the final boundary that He had wanted me to draw all along. Again, the guy was never a bad guy, but it started to become apparent to me that protecting my heart was not as high of a priority as it was when we were dating (rightfully so), but since my feelings remained the same for him, I did not take on a more accurate view of the dynamic until the tail end of that 4-6 week window. I saw that the time it took me to say yes and trust God with new boundaries, that would not only place this guy appropriately in my life and heart, but also reinforce the status of single, yet again, was rooted in fear of going back to that place. My friend put it beautifully as I cried to her on the phone one time, “You got a taste of what God has planned for your life, and it’s almost harder to have a taste than not know how good it will be.” I’m picturing taking a bite of a friend’s sandwich they ordered and liking it more than your own but handing it back to them anyway… on a lighter note. He is a good dude who loves the Lord and looked out for me, that’s hard to hand back to God when it seems to be what’s right. I know now that it wasn’t right because it wasn’t right right now. I saw this delayed response of mine was rooted in fear. And if we really spend a moment thinking about it, I would say a lot of what we all do everyday is rooted in fear. I’ll get this job because it makes more money because I’m afraid I won’t have enough. I’ll take the easy route because I’m afraid I’ll fail and embarrass myself. I’ll hold out hope for the rekindling of a relationship because I’m afraid God doesn’t have goodness for me in another season of singleness.... Yikes. So maybe there’s something you know you’re putting off: joining that club but you’re too nervous to be the new kid, talking to the new person at work because it seems like an effort, donating or investing in a cause that helps people. Or maybe it’s bigger than that. Maybe it’s a stirring to sit with your Bible more, or start a small bible study with your friends, or to drink less or confess an addiction to a spouse or significant other. Or maybe it’s a risk, like quitting your job for a new career, one that no one will see coming but has grown to an un-ignorable level in your heart. Or maybe you’ll go back to school. Or adopt a kid. Or try to have one, just one more time. Or maybe it’s to write about that one year of your life when everything seemed to be hanging on by a tattered seam. But now it’s getting personal… What is your hesitancy to God revealing in your heart? Are you afraid something won’t be easy? Or work out the way you envision? What if it’ll end up better than you expected? What if you meet people who become fixtures in your life that you don’t want to imagine life without? What if this step opens doors for an even more exciting step in the future? What if this step, this initial “yes,” builds a confidence in Christ and who He is that you can rest in when the next decision presents itself?

Welcome to the KINDLING extension of “The Initial ‘Yes’” Series on the podcast! If you haven’t listened to that episode yet, go to Soundcloud or Apple Podcasts to catch up. If you’re here after listening to the podcast, you are here for the juicy details… and to be honest, you’ll only get a little. I’m not gonna expose this guy involved or tell you his name or occupation but I can tell you a little bit more about the nature of the relationship. Because let’s be honest, if you’re anything like me, you live for these details. So we met in December of 2018 in kind of happenstance circumstances. He was, and still is (at the time of posting this), waiting on an answer for a career change. He has been waiting longer than expected so logistically we should’ve never met if everything had gone to plan for him. Shortly after meeting and getting to know each other, we started dating more intentionally. Within about a month or so, he drew the line of friendship to be mindful of investing in a relationship that he planned to end if he left to pursue the job he was waiting to hear back on. I understood where he was coming from, but I didn’t think it was right for me to just walk away and stop speaking (that's how I usually play it). We tried to “just enjoy each other until he left” thinking he was getting a call shortly after the conversation. Three and a half months later and still no call, I found myself struggling to be friends in a way that protected my heart and kept him in my life. It became difficult for me to stay close to him without investing more of my heart. I grew irritated with the situation and the struggle, sometimes taking it out on him in angsty reactions. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I had little patience with him because those reactions were counter to how I interact with everyone else… Finally, I knew the “friend” line needed to be drawn for my own sake. I knew I had to take a big step back in effort to protect my heart that was still invested in a relationship that no longer existed. It wasn’t until I faced this task I knew God put on my heart, did I see how terrible I was at being obedient with this. I realized the angst I felt was fruit of my delay in obedience. (Yikes) I didn’t trust that life would be awesome after I drew lines that established me “single”.... Again. The day after I talked with him about these new boundaries, I sat in a coffee shop by myself waiting for a friend. It was like Jesus Himself was sitting across from me when I heard this statement in my mind: You can go one of two ways with this: You can learn from this or you can be upset with this. What’re you gonna pick? It felt like my arms moved on their own, opened to a new page in my journal, and cataloged the lessons I learned over the last six months. And honestly, there are moments when I’m irritated by how things have come to be. I’m irritated with him, with God, with myself. *picture me raising a fist to the sky* But then I remember the list I wrote down in my journal and take a deep breath. It was worth it. All the irritation and confusion and care and intention and desires. All the changes and analyzing and praying and crying. It was all worth it. It took about a week or so to get to that point, but I’m there 90% of the time. With this list of lessons (most about obedience hence the new series), I feel silently equipped for the next season of life, whether that includes a guy or not. I remind myself of the things God has tasked me with to get done, and honestly, I couldn’t get them done in a relationship. Singleness--right now-- seems incredibly purposeful. And I’m gonna run with it.

Oftentimes when I think about friendship, I think about the benefits of having people around to chat with or share ideas. I mostly see friends as people who I can confide in and spend time with. I usually don't see friends as stabilizers. Stabilizers? We can all comfortably agree that there will be storms in life. There will be moments where we cannot withstand the waves alone. And many of us will now think to ourselves: Yes, that's why we have Jesus. Which is true. 100%. But we also have people Jesus has intentionally put in our path to be vessels in which He can stabilize our hearts in the midst of storms... if only we'd let them. Ecclesiastes talks about the benefits of having people in our lives do life with us. Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up (Ecc. 4:9-10). Upon first glance, these verses made me think about the work of our hands and how a team could (and usually does) yield a better product than the ones we try to do on our own. But what if we viewed "labor" as emotional labor, too? What if we intentionally brought those closest to us even closer to our worry and doubt and fear? What if we brought them into the fold, asked them to get their hands dirty with us as we examine the areas of our lives that bring the most shame? Doing life alone is meaningless, at least according to Solomon. And you know what, at this point, I'd have to agree. Victories are better celebrated when you have more than yourself to high five.